I guess, because it's St Patrick's Day, I've been thinking about my biological father today. I have a slight thought about him most days, but today was more poignant.
This is a link to the post I made all those years ago which lead to me finding out about him:
Genealogy Forum - Lattimore
That was two months shy of seven years ago! Seeing it again now doesn't really evoke any emotion in me. I don't know whether that's right or wrong or normal or abnormal - it just is what it is.
I'm on my own tonight (I cherish these evening when I have some time to myself!) and I decided to grab a pizza and some Guinness on the way home so I could make a toast to Aidan on St Patrick's Day. It's funny - if I had planned such a tribute (if you will) it wouldn't have worked out, but it just happens that it's fallen on a day this year when the Boy is away skiing and the other people at home are all out or asleep. So now I feel a bit stuffed with pizza (a slight step away from the vegan diet but I think I'm allowed a hall pass today) and I'm half way through my first Guinness which I toasted to him in the stars.
Until recently I've never given much thought to my heritage or background, I've always just accepted my unconventional family set up. I was so keen to find out about Danny and then when I did so many emotions came out. Then I guess I've just let it be for the past couple of years. I haven't made a huge effort to contact his side of the family. They haven't either, but I think that's because they want to leave the ball in my court and I'm completely rubbish at hitting the ball back!
Right now I'm in a really good place emotionally and mentally. I have the most super boyfriend, work is good and I feel balanced, healthy and positive. I saw the phrase I've posted above a while back and it struck such a chord with me and I really wanted to embrace that mentality. And I truly believe that thanks to changing my attitude and outlook that things are really falling into place and on the up.
Therefore I'm completely ready to build a proper relationship with Aidan's family again. I'm connected with them but I really want to make them part of my life and me their's. I want to hear about my grandparents and great grandparents and my heritage on my paternal side and learn all I can about that side.
At some point I'm going to have to let my dad know. I'm not ready for that at the moment and I know he most definitely isn't either but in time it will have to happen and I'll know when that time is.
We've had some pretty crappy stuff happen already this year and I think a couple of years back that would have been my focus, but now I'm seeing each day as a brand new one with a fresh start. I don't want to think about and reflect on the bad stuff but instead try and focus on the good and the positive wherever I can.
I have found my voice and I'm not worried anymore about saying things people may not want to hear - as long as it's what I believe then that's okay. I love my job, I'm concentrating on my passion and I am so besotted with the Boy; I love him more and more each day (that's a whole other blog!).
I'm over feeling guilty for wanting to protect some family members and ready to stand up for the things that really matter to me and I'm excited for the future!
Happy St Patrick's Day :)
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