DL

I'm in quite a wierd place right now. I've been waiting for this moment for years, yet thinking it would never happen. Hoping it would, and hoping it wouldn't. Knowing what to expect and not having a freaking clue.

Well...now it's happened.

14 months after placing an ad on a geneology forum, I've been contacted by the brother of my biological father, and I'm so confused.

When the email popped up on my screen this morning mentioning that this person could help me on my search for "DL" I didn't think too much of it, not wanting to get my hopes up. I replied saying I would be interested to speak with them, but nothing prepared me for the response I got.

I was suddenly really pleased, then empty, then unsure, and then I just burst out crying, sobbing really, and reading the email over and over:

Dear Joanna.

Thank you for responding to my email.

Like you, I find it hard to begin. I only found out about you today when my daughter somehow came across your request for information regarding DL and contacted me. I am your uncle S, born in D in 1947.

There were 8 kids in the family with DL being the youngest.

The family moved to England in 1959 and lived in London.

In 1973 the family split and my wife (J) and I, my sister L and her family along with my Mum and Dad (your Grandparents) came to Australia.
Your grandparents are since deceased.

Joanna you are part of a pretty large family who, until today did not kmow of your existance.
On behalf of all of us,we are extremely sorry for any pain or heartache that you and your mother suffered on account of the action DL took.
Please let us get to know you and understand your thoughts regarding DL.

With love,Your Uncle S.

I've shared a couple more emails back and forth, each one so friendly and understanding on their part. I never dreamed it would be like this. It's not even anything yet, but the first response has been so....kind.

I don't know what I was expecting - in fact, I don't think I was expecting anything. After so long looking for someone, and in an age where Google can find you anything and everything, to keep coming up with nothing kinda resigned me to the fact that maybe he wasn't findeable.

I've checked the advert I placed so many times and not seen one single responce. Until now. I don't know what I feel, or what I should feel, or if I should feel anything...it's wierd. I can't think of anything to write that will help me any more.

This Uncle S is supposed to be calling me tomorrow or Sunday - what am I going to say? What are we going to talk about? How much shit am I causing for them? As far as I can make out they had no idea I even existed, and there's a reason for that. There's a reason his family don't know about me. What problems am I going to cause by suddenly appearing in the picture?

Hey! I'm the kid you had 24 years ago!

I don't want a dad. I have the world's best dad. But there's so much that my mum never told me - I need to know who this person is - and what really happened in Boston in January, 1984.

I don't feel any anger at all. Curiosity for sure, but no anger. The few people that I've talked with over the years have mostly suggested that I should be angry at him, but why? What's he done to make me angry? I don't think he abandoned me. I think he wanted me. I even think he wanted my mum to marry him. From what I understand, it was her that cut off all contact. So do I feel angry at her? No - just hurt that she never told me anything and that I had to find out everything by sneaking through diaries and getting information out of my grandmother.

Should I have just let everything lie? I have a great dad, and I love my mum so, so much.

I guess I've just never felt complete. Sure, I love myself far too much and make a joke out of me being a dotty princess...but who am I really? I don't think one day has gone past that I haven't thought about DL. Is that healthy? Am I obsessing?

I don't expect anything from this. It's not going to be some fucking fairytale.